The New Phone

I finally broke down and ordered up a new phone from my carrier.  The old one started doing some funky things like assigning 'friendly' ringtones to 'unfriendly' numbers that I knew not to answer.  (telemarketers, etc.)  I'll deal with them at a later date.  Well, said phone shows up via Purcolator on a weekday morning when the CEO is at work (of course, DUH! why would a normal working stiff like me be home at that time?)  After running around the city trying to find the pickup outlet for an hour, the CEO picked it up on a Saturday morning and headed home to figger it out.
Ok, I'm not the brightest when it comes to electronics, but I'm definitely not stoopid either.  This thing has all the bells and whistles on it (except for a touch screen) and it's supposed to do all things except put the dishes in the dishwasher for you.  I even signed up for a 3G data pack.  Now I'm all set to get my email on my phone and everythang.
Sorry, WRONG!  Do you think that I can get it to retrieve my mail from my home address?  Nope.   From my work address?  Nope.
When I picked up the latest CDs to copy to my iPod before they disappeared into the never-never land that is my disc player (there's enough discs in there that you could turn it on today and not hear the same song for way over a week) there were a couple of slips of paper inside that offered free ringtones, just text keyword xxxx to #### and magically they would show up.  Cool.  I like these guys and was looking forward to having some of their music there.  Well the first one didn't work, and the second one?  I sent said keyword off and got a message back right away.  My first alarm bells should have gone off when the message had a line in it that I must be over 18 to play.  That's a little strange.  And they wanted a reply.  Ok, so I replied and I got this back.  
"Hello what is your name? and what do you want to do with this?  This is my first time doing this.  :)"
I should have written back that this was obviously a sexting virgin and that I wasn't interested but I didn't, I immediately texted back that this # was supposed to be a free download number and never heard a thing after that.
I kid thee not, Kind Reader; you can't make this shit up!