Cowboy

 

Cowboy walks into a drugstore.
 

Cowboy:  Can I have three packets of condoms please.

Cashier:  Would you like a paper bag with that Sir?

Cowboy:  Nah, she ain't that ugly.


Thanks Dad!

Ok, I've had ENOUGH!

Pressure is mounting against Occupy Calgary as temperatures drop and the city pushes for protesters to vacate Olympic Plaza by today.  (which they have been occupying ILLEGALLY)
The city said it needs to clean the square and prepare it for winter in advance of a Muslim Heritage Day festival scheduled for the weekend.
“We’re hoping they will be responsive to our requests and that they will recognize that if they truly are the 99 per cent they are purporting to be, they will agree to leave if another eligible group needs to come in and needs to use the park,” said Tom Sampson, the deputy chief of the Calgary emergency management agency.
If the group does not vacate, Sampson said the city would evaluate the harm they may be doing to the park before deciding on a more aggressive eviction.  (evaluate the harm?  How 'bout y'all grow backbones and boot their asses out of there?)
“That would be our very last thing. And even having said that, I don’t think we want to go there.”
Meanwhile, a second Occupy Calgary encampment on St. Patrick’s Island has also vowed to stay put, despite nighttime temperatures that are dropping below the freezing mark.
Comprised mostly of homeless people, organizer and former mayoral candidate Paul Hughes said the group is open to leaving the park but the city has not met the group’s demands. Most of the island protesters’ requests are focused on housing for the homeless.  (Hope you never decide to run again, the electorate have a very long memory.)
He said he would like to see nearby empty buildings opened to the Occupy crew before temperatures dropped to dangerous lows.
“I have public health concerns and I have food born disease concerns,” he said as he occupied the park for a 19th straight day. “The city has taken the attitude that they want us to live like animals.”  (You chose the situation that you're living in right now, how come the law-abiding, tax paying citizens in this city should provide you with a warm dry spot?)
The prospect of below-freezing nights and imminent snow flurries has worried homeless advocates.
“My concern is staying outside in the winter in extremely cold weather is very dangerous,” said Tim Richter the CEO of the Calgary Homeless Foundation.  (It's not even that cold out yet, wait for another couple of months.)
“Every year we know people get hurt. There are missing digits and whatnot from frostbite.”
The homeless foundation is in the middle of a 10-year plan to provide housing to all of Calgary’s homeless population, he added. But these programs take time.
“Why would the 50 or so people who have chosen to camp out there be put in the queue ahead of the 2,000 people who are in the shelter?” Richter asked.
In the meantime, the city’s emergency shelters do have space.
“It’s a crummy choice for them to have to make between the poor choice of being in a shelter, which I don’t think anybody would enjoy, or the dangerous choice of being outside when winter comes.”
Yet Occupy Calgary protesters seem to be choosing the latter option. Several homeless people camping at Centenary Park said they would cope with the cold and preferred sleeping outside to the drop in centre.
Lisa Hicks, who has been homeless on and off since she was 13, said she’s spent three winters outside.
The habitually homeless have developed tactics for surviving; they elevate their sleeping bags on cardboard and surround their makeshift homes with foam and leaves.
Hicks said the tents could be cosy if you line them with thick blankets, or use heated rocks in burlap sacks.

“Sometimes I’ve used a little blow torch,” she added, although she wouldn’t recommend the practice as it’s unsafe.
Hicks said she can’t make rent on her disability cheques.
“I’m down here for the cause.”

Read more:

another from my inbox

Thanks Dad.

Murphy's Lesser Known Dictums   ·        Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.   ·        He who laughs last, thinks slowest.   ·        Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.   ·        Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.   ·        The 50-50-90 rule:   Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.   ·        The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.   ·        Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.   ·        The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.   ·        When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.   And my favorite:   ·        A fine is a tax for doing wrong.   A tax is a fine for doing well.

from my inbox

Says a lot about the current situation.  Thanks Dad!

Ineptocracy (in-ep-toc'-ra-cy) - a system of government where the least

capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the

members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are

rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a

diminishing number of producers. 

from the op/ed pages of today's paper

Occupy Calgary 'meeting' one of the funniest things I've witnessed in months

By Licia Corbella, Calgary Herald

The contrast couldn’t be more stark between the Famous 5 celebrants and Occupy Calgary protesters meeting just steps apart Tuesday.
At around noon, about 40 women in hats gathered at the Famous 5 statue at Olympic Plaza to celebrate the 82nd anniversary of women being declared “persons” in Canada, on Oct. 18, 1929. Those five women are proof of the incredible power a few determined, focused people can make when they have a clear plan to achieve a clear goal.
Just steps away, 18 Occupy Calgary protesters are gathering for their daily meeting at noon, called by Sheehan Herlein, next to the pretty pond the City of Calgary’s taxpayers pay for in the square, along with the clean and functioning washroom facilities and pretty flowers.
“The first thing we want to bring up is . . . we need to get something concrete. It’s time to take action on that concrete something so hopefully we can get a big turnout,” says Herlein in
apparent seriousness.
(Keep reading if you want a good giggle.)
“What I’m suggesting is that we have a meeting today with other working groups to get our thoughts correct,” declares Herlein.
Brent Talbot, 41, the author of the unpublished book, The Addict’s Guide to Spiritual Therapy, asks Herlein to repeat his proposal as he has been distracted by a bee. Phill Vernon, 29, is ringing his Tibetan singing bowl, something he does anytime he feels tension.
Then Talbot makes a proposal that those “who are actually camping here” in Olympic Plaza in any of the 28 tents on site, “hold a meeting because nothing seems to be getting done because no one is accountable and if you’re not accountable, nothing will get done,” he says. He suggests a 3 p.m. meeting. The assembled flutter their fingers, which means the crowd agrees. One young man disagrees. He’s too busy. He’s camping at St. Patrick’s Island. He has a tight schedule to keep, presumably walking between the two camps. Vernon rings his bowl. Inertia sets in.
So another person stands up to make a proposal: “We need more bodies doing stuff,” he says. “We have a lot of people in a lot of working groups that don’t know where to be and at what time.”
It’s one of the most humorous things I’ve witnessed in months and I still watch Seinfeld.
Finally, James Louden, 38, stands up and says he’s been taking notes for the past 15 minutes and so far all that’s happened is three different people have suggested three different meetings. “We are holding a meeting and all we’ve done is proposed three new meetings,” he points out to flurry of fluttering fingers.
At last, I think to myself, I’m going to hear an important point of action. This is what Louden says: “I propose that we set up a cork board or white board so that we can write down what time we’re holding all of these meetings,” Louden says. There is a fluttering of fingers again. But no one is tasked with getting the white board. The meeting is adjourned. Absolutely nothing is accomplished. The assembled, looking oddly proud of themselves, disperse into fake busyness. You can cut the phoniness with a knife. It is palpable.
Back at the Famous 5 monument, Carolyn Harley is singing the song she wrote: The Ballad of the Famous 5. “Emily Murphy, Henrietta Muir Edwards, Louise McKinney, Irene Parlby, Nellie McClung ... they rallied the nation for all generations and fought ‘til the battle was won,” she sang along with the other women. Then Nancy Millar, the author of the book: The Famous 5, spoke about each of the larger-than-life women — portrayed in the statue and also on the $50 Canadian bill — pointing out that Emily Murphy of Edmonton became not just the first woman magistrate in Canada in 1916, but in the entire British Empire. Real action. Real results. Five non-persons changed the world.
Back at the Occupy Calgary camp, the protesters’ signs are displayed proudly on the neat grass maintained by the taxpayers of Calgary.
“Drop acid not bomb (sic).”
“Are you the person their (sic) pretending to be?” reads another barely literate, nonsensical sign.
“Tax the rich,” says another.
“I have no face/I have no voice/ I am the 99%.”
Ah, the 99 per cent. Many of the protesters declare that they speak for the 99 per cent of Canadians who, depending on which protester you speak to, “wants to overthrow the one per cent of corporate pigs enslaving the 99 per cent,” or who “wants to replace the capitalist system,” or who is determined to usher in a “time for the rising of the divine feminine” etc. etc.
There is no agenda, no plan, no solutions. Just a lot of bellyaching about the rich not paying enough taxes. One woman complained that she would like to work five hours a week, instead of five days a week. Who doesn’t? I ask. But this is what they’re “fighting for.” They want the fictional one per cent to pay for their laziness.
The problem is that no one at Occupy Calgary can articulate much at all. Their inarticulateness is spectacular, shocking and, frankly, sad.
Gregory Thomas, the federal and Ontario director of the Canadian Taxpayers Federation, said the kind of income disparity that Canadian protesters are parroting from their U.S. counterparts who are occupying Wall Street just doesn’t exist.
“About 4.4 million Canadians who filed taxes in 2009 each paid less than $100 in income taxes. In the same year, 173,000 Canadians — which is about the size of two Red Deers — paid $28 billion in tax, or $164,000 on average per filer,” points out Thomas.
According to the Canada Revenue Agency’s Income Statistics for 2009, only 0.7 per cent of Canadians earned more than $250,000 per year but paid 19.7 per cent of the income tax tab. In fact, the 5.7 per cent of Canadians who make $100,000 or more per year pay 44 per cent of the income taxes in Canada.
In the U.S., some of the Occupy Wall Street protesters make some valid points. It’s wrong for huge banks to make Main Street own their debt when the profits remain private. Most reasonable people would agree with that?
Phill Vernon is still holding his Tibetan singing bowl. He has been camping at the Plaza since Saturday. “I had to go to work on Sunday, sadly for an Internet banking company,” he admits.
When he’s not working for an evil bank, he’s an artist — a photo illustrator — who just graduated from the Alberta College of Art and Design.
He runs to his tent to fetch his leather-wrapped iPad to show me two June 2011 magazine covers. One is for Oil Week and the other is for Oil and Gas Inquirer. (My jaw drops. I am agog and not because this man/child clearly has some talent.)
“I’m opposed to oil,” he says, reading my shock. He does not ring his singing bowl, despite my desperate need as a result of his violent hypocrisy. “I don’t want to support oil, but I need to build up my portfolio to build up my name. I think we should use electric cars and stop using gasoline,” he says.
Does he know that most of Alberta’s electricity comes from coal-fired plants? He doesn’t.
“We should use tidal power or hydro instead,” he suggests.
We’re landlocked and have a couple of lazy rivers, I point out. His suggestions are akin to saying we should use stardust and unicorn sweat to run those factories that manufacture his iPad.
Back at the monument, Nancy Millar explains that she came downtown because she believes everyone could benefit by learning more about the Famous 5. Ain’t that the truth. None more so than the Occupy Calgary protesters. But they were all too busy spouting their nonsense and holding their meetings to plan more meetings to hear or learn anything at all.

Read more:

from today's paper

Don't weaponize the wiener

When it comes to Tiger Woods, wiener jokes are bound to come up.

Ahem.

And a new round is, I’m sure, getting rolling after the hot dog incident over the weekend at the Frys.com Open. As Doug Ferguson of the Associated Press writes, Woods was on the seventh green and ready to putt when someone from the crowd threw the remainder of a hot dog at the golfer.

“When I looked up, the hot dog was already in the air,” Woods said. “The bun was kind of disintegrating.”
The dog did no damage and the perpetrator was arrested without incident for disturbing the peace.

But that means little to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, which has denounced the use of wiener as weapon.

“The use of an iconic food in an act of violence against an iconic golfer like Tiger Woods is reprehensible — and a violation of hot dog etiquette,” council president Janet Riley said in a statement released Monday. ” Some might call the thrower a ‘wiener,’ but we’d say that’s too high a compliment.
“Hot dogs are meant to be enjoyed – not weaponized.”

I tend to agree.

And the council is kind enough to provide proper wiener etiquette:

• * Don’t put hot dog toppings between the hot dog and the bun. Always “dress the dog,” not the bun.
• * Condiments should be applied in the following order: wet condiments like mustard and chili are applied first, followed by chunky condiments like relish, onions and sauerkraut, followed by shredded cheese, followed by spices, like celery salt or pepper.
• * Do eat hot dogs on buns with your hands. Utensils should not touch hot dogs on buns.
• * Don’t take more than five bites to finish a hot dog. For foot-long wiener, seven bites are acceptable.
• * Don’t use ketchup on your hot dog after the age of 18. Mustard, relish, onions, cheese and chili are acceptable.  (but what if I don't like mustard or onions?)
• * Condiments remaining on the fingers after eating a hot dog should be licked away, not washed.
• * Don’t ever think there is a wrong time to serve hot dogs.

For the full list, click here.
And let’s all enjoy our wieners a little more responsibly.

from today's paper

Who'd a thunk it?

 

 

 

CNN ranks Calgary Stampede #5 on list of world's best party spots

 

 

By Deborah Tetley, Calgary Herald October 5, 2011 5:46 AM

 

 

 

CNNGo.com has picked the Calgary Stampede as the No. 5 place to party in the world. “The world’s largest rodeo draws an estimated 250,000 wannabe cowgirls and cowboys looking to drink beer, yell yee-haw and soak up the Wild West lifestyle,” says the article. 

Photograph by: Ted Rhodes, Calgary Herald

CALGARY — As the Calgary Stampede prepares to wow the crowds with a rip roarin’ centennial birthday bash in July, a major American news network has named the Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth as one of the best places on the planet to party.
The Stampede, which CNN puts in the Top Five of 15 places in the world to party like a rock star, sits on the same pedestal as popular international destinations like Rio de Janeiro, the Marquee nightclub in Las Vegas and Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
“That’s incredible,” said Jennifer Booth, a spokeswoman for the Stampede.
“Every year we try to put on the Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth and, obviously, people are seeing that.”
Booth said being uttered in the same breath as Mardi Gras and South Beach in Miami is an honour.
The article, which appeared on CNNGo.com, says the list is aimed at “party animals looking to let loose and get wild” and for those “on the hunt for hedonistic hot spots where you can leave conventions (and often your clothes) at the door.”
The article characterizes the Stampede as Beer, Brawl and Brawn.
“The world’s largest rodeo draws an estimated 250,000 wannabe cowgirls and cowboys looking to drink beer, yell yee-haw and soak up the Wild West lifestyle,” says the article.
The No. 1 party destination on the list is Full Moon Party, Koh Pha Ngan, Thailand.
Mardi Gras in New Orleans was listed at No. 10.